not okay

19.42

This is my best broken heart,
I'm 23 going 24 in a month, I have a dream married at 25.

Few weeks ago I still, sneak "bridal" instagram.. gathered my inspiration, what should I wear, how the makeup look, where is the venue and many more.

Few weeks ago I still, talking to my best friend how luck I am having my boyfriend. Who is very kind, generous and faithful to me.

Few weeks ago everything still on track. In every my pray I always ask Allah


"O Allah please.. lancarkan semua urusan dan niat-niat baiku, genggam selalu hatiku dan hatinya di tempat yang sama.. berikan kami kekuatan, rezeki, kemudahan dan kebahagian selalu.. berikan segala hidayahmu kepada kami"

Today everything is different. We've been thru, for 3 years. But honey, love doesn't keep you stay together. To fall in love is easy, but to stay in love is hard. It needs strong commitment from both side. It's not only how big your love are but how strong you will to stay together, to spent the rest of your life together.. I had that, but he had not. 

He gave up on us. that hurts. 
But, it getting worse when he did something I never imagine he ever did this to me. After all I've done, all we've done. So many days & nights we spent together, secrets we tell, and love we share. I couldn't understand why the heck he did this to me.

My love for him is pure.. I never ask everything for granted. Except love me unconditionally. That's all. But he left.

He leaves me with his pride
He told me everything that I thought it'll never come up from his mouth. 

Where your promises, baby ? stay together in all condition ? did you said that only when you're in your bad phase ? did I leave you ? No darling... I'm sticking up with you.

But where all the words goes, now ? fly to the moon ? as lonely as my heart today.
All my dream just ruined, honey. I even don't know what to do..

Every night.. I'm praying to God.. to Allah, to help me heals the pain.. help me find him back.. help me to get thru this. Everything I could do, I did. I tell you all my feelings about you, how upset & disappointed I am, how mad and cranky I am, but how I still keep this love for you. I won't give up. I won't.

But no.
You left. You said you too tired with me... I know you quite long time. 
I believe it's not only about us.. but I know this is also about her. 

You ignored me. You kick me. You act like you don't know me anymore. That fast. 

I don't what I feel today.... I'm getting better yes.. but I am not okay at all. at all.

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